Some bizarre truth about what really goes on in restaurants (Part 1)

All tip and no iceberg. That's a restaurant from the customers' point of view. The view from the pass is quite different. Demanding customers, unhinged staff and nocturnal hours make it an industry where the unusual is anything but. We approached chefs, waiters and restaurant owners to share their best stories without having to put their name to them. What results is a snapshot of the restaurant industry as we never see it, and, be warned, much of it is not pretty.

• A couple had a fight at the table.The man asked the waiter to get him some aluminum foil, but he didn't say what it was for. The waiter dutifully headed off to the kitchen and brought back some foil and handed it to the guy. He wrapped up the whole baby barramundi for two and went home with it, leaving his possibly ex-partner to pay and explain.
• We had a chef standing on the oven top,polishing the canopy with methylated spirits. It dripped into his pants and then onto the pilot light. His pants caught on fire, but we couldn't get him to "stop, drop and roll" or take his pants off because he was freeballing.
• There was a price point difference on the wine list– this bottle was written as $79.00 but it should have been $790.00. The customer was really arrogant and kept insisting that he should get it for the printed price. I offered him a glass of champagne, an extra course, anything to keep him happy, but he was an arrogant beast. He ended up saying to me, "Mate, I'm going to call your boss on Monday to have you fired," and I replied, "Mate, I'll speak to you on Monday then." He's the only person I've ever thrown out.
• An apprentice lost his watch during the morning doing mise-en-place for his section. A customer found it in their Caesar salad.
• When we opened, we lost 30 of the famed Alessi salt and pepper shakers in the first month. I pulled the staff aside and said that for every one we lose from now on, the cost to replace it will be taken out of their tips. I don't think we lost another one.
• I was always the first one in on a Monday morning,when I cleaned the stovetops. This Monday my boss messaged me to say she'd taken the big grill plate off to soak, and could I put it back. It weighed around, I dunno, 40 kilos. So I heaved it to the spot but then it slipped and somehow freakishly it popped straight into place, with my finger still under there. And it was too heavy for me to lift out again one handed. So I look at the clock and it was 7.30am. The first person didn't get in for half an hour. And of course at this moment I realised that my phone was in the pocket of my jacket hung up 10 metres away. The landline was another 10 metres in the other direction. So what could I do? I reached for knives, anything I could use like a lever. Nothing. So I pulled the bin over, sat down and waited. Longest half hour of my life.
• We had a regular guest who was a vegan.We went to a lot of effort to make him interesting vegan food but one day the waitress came back with his order and it had a half-dozen oysters on it. I told her she'd made a mistake but she insisted it was correct. She went back to double check and he said yes, he could eat oysters as they don't have eyes. That was the last time I cooked him vegan food.
• We once had a lady cry when we served her whole calamari. She'd thought that they swam in the ocean in rings. She said days later that we had scarred her psychologically for life; apparently she'd been seeing tentacles in her sleep.
• A young apprentice started who was full of himself.The pastry chef wanted to teach him a lesson and got him chopping flour for the muffins. He was chopping and chopping to make it soft and I told him to make sure he didn't over chop it or it would change colour. So when he took a toilet break another chef added turmeric powder so when he started chopping it again it got more and more yellow. He was a broken man.
• Back in the 2000s I was working at an iconic Sydney restaurant frequented by very wealthy, influential businesspeople. On one particular night, a high-profile businessman had organised a surprise birthday dinner for his wife, booking a table for about 20 of their nearest and dearest. He even organised a cake with her name etched on the icing. Unfortunately, on this night we were hosting two or three separate birthday bookings, and we accidentally brought out the wrong cake. It had a name on the icing too, but by sheer coincidence, it was the name of the husband's long-term mistress, who the whole party – including the wife – had been turning a blind eye to for years. Very awkward indeed.
• As an apprentice working at a hotel in London I was part of the team that prepared the food for the royal wedding of Lady Diana and Prince Charles, a grand buffet served on the Queen's finest silver. My role was simple: slice various ornate stuffed pheasant ballotines, game pate and terrine en croute and present them on the silver platters. They were delicate, so I decided to transfer them to the silver platters, cut them carefully and fan them out. They looked spectacular; everyone commented and congratulated me. I was chuffed and bragged for days. The next week we got a letter from Buckingham Palace which we thought was a thank you but in fact was a serious complaint that someone had vandalised the Queen's silver. Apparently the vandal left a particular mark, and there was lots of gossip around the hotel what was the mark and what did it mean? It turned out the mark was perfect rectangular incisions – very thin perfect lines. It was then I realised that I was the culprit as I had cut the terrine directly onto the silver. It was no mysterious act of vandalism just a rookie error by one of the apprentices that ruined the Queen's silver. When the royal household found out there was great relief that there wasn't a disgruntled employee in the stable and I was given a royal pardon of sort.
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To be continued

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